10.13.2004
- I clapped and cheered as she turned graceful pirouettes in front of me. When she finally stopped, flushed, to bow and blow me kisses, I laughed along with her. All too soon, she turned away to speak with someone else. A few minutes later, she turned to me again, to despair over a too tight leotard. I offered to fix it, with a wink and a leer, and she giggled again, as did I. Over and over, every few minutes, her gaze would catch mine, as she turned and caught me staring admiringly at her smooth creamy skin, her dark ponytail bobbing so perfectly, her long, graceful legs always so perfect. I had always watched her, who wouldn't? She was clearly the best, the most beautiful, most graceful, teacher's pet without ever encouraging it, most loved in the class. Today, however, I had come to a startling conclusion, after a rare and accidental glimpse of skin.
I have a crush on her. It has been so long since I've felt a "crush" that I almost didn't recognize it. The quickening of the heart, the flush, the sweaty palms, the tongue tied-ness. All things I had thought left far far behind....now rearing up again in my life. I have never had a crush on a girl, always having more of a friendly lust with my female lovers, lust was easy enough to take care of, always leaving as friends, nothing more ever, nothing like the emotional bond I always felt with my male lovers. Now, for the first time, I am feeling it for a girl, a gorgeous, tall, beautiful woman, not girl. Even writing this makes me nervous, I can't believe that one quirky little dancer can do this to me, make me feel clumsy, ashamed, all that comes with a crush. I never thought about it before, never noticed the flirting that has been present since day one, I always flirt with everyone, it's unconscious, my way of getting around paralyzing shyness. I never noticed her flirting back, assuming it was a similar way of hiding...now every move, every smile, every wiggle and wink take on huge meaning. What am I to do?