11.24.2004
- Well, here it is again. Thanksgiving anyone? The holidays are my favorite time of the year, probably because of my unexplainable obsession with Christmas lights. Some part of me that is coiled up like a spring all year long just unwinds when I see a beautiful Christmas tree filled with lights. Forget the presents, the food, the parties...just give me a few thousand tiny light bulbs and you'll have a happy woman on your hands.
It was also about this time of year that I lost my virginity, years ago. I haven't thought about that in a long time. It wasn't a wonderful romantic gentle first time, rather, I just wanted to get it out of the way so that I wouldn't have to be a virgin anymore. I couldn't be bothered to actually date someone long enough to get to that point, either, so I had to turn to other means.
Late one weekend night, when I had the house to myself (don't worry, I wasn't that old...my guardian was out of town), I had over my best friend and her boyfriend. When his best friend found out what was going on, he decided to tag along, and bring some mexican piss (corona beer). My friend and I had never really drunk before, so we mixed the beer with cream soda (surprisingly good, actually, for mexican piss) and got busy. Guys being guys, a game of strip poker ensued. Let me nip your train of thought in the bud, though. My friend and I have known each other since we were 4...she is the absolute last person in the world I would sleep with...that would be even worse than incest. YUCK!!
Anyway, since both of us feel that way, the game didn't proceed very far before we split into two couples. She and her boyfriend ended up in my upstairs bedroom, in my bed (yuck again), while I attempted to work on homework. During these games, the friend had gotten massively drunk, and passed out on the couch. Great evening...can't even sleep in my own bed.
I suppose I should tell you a bit about the friend. First off...he was married. Second off....he was older. Third off...he was married. The married thing is the part of this whole story that bugs me a lot. I don't believe in frivolous marriage as so many people do today, but I do believe in keeping your vows if you do take them. So, the next part is not exactly something I'm proud of...but it happened.
I ended up wrapped up in a blanket on the floor in front of the fireplace, trying to ignore the snoring log on my couch, and the giggles coming from my bedroom. After a few minutes of darkness and silence, I heard the couch move, and suddenly, the friend was on the floor beside, me, arm wrapped around me, whispering drunken naughty thoughts in my ear. I froze, panicked, freaked out. I wasn't a touchy-feely person, so I had always been very susceptible to being touched, especially by men. So, as much as my mind was screaming stop stop stop, my body just couldn't do it. Soon he was kissing me, those demanding, masculine kisses that just take your breath away. He rolled me over and held me down as he struggled to get my pants off, then his. I still couldn't stop him, couldn't even fight him, just lay there in shock. My mind wandered, until I remembered something. I was on my period; I had a tampon in. That thought actually gave me enough gumption to move, fight back, but by that time it was too late.
I lost my virginity with my head being pounded against the cold hearth, tampon wedged at a very uncomfortable angle, and my best friend making out in my bed. If only I had not been the nice friend, if only I had made them sleep on the floor so I could have my bed. If only, If only, If only.
But, as I said...it did get that pesky virginity thing out of the way. I never really heard from him again, not that I wanted to. If I had my way, it wouldn't have happened, a feeling that always leaves you feeling slightly dirty for a long while. I felt even worse when I did hear something about him...he was getting divorced. According to his my best friends boyfriend, after he cheated with me and realized how easy it was, he just went off the deep end, sleeping around, eventually leaving his wife and 1 year old son for a dancer fresh from high school.
I suppose I'm still wishy-washy on the whole ordeal. I don't think about it much, and when I do, I always feel sad. I can't imagine loosing my virginity any other way, it just wasn't in my personality, but I wish maybe it had been with someone else, (someone not married, perhaps?). I do firmly believe in not changing a thing of your past, though. I'm quite happy with the person I am today (mood swings, panic attacks and all) and the life I have for myself. I think if I changed even one little thing, it would radically affect today's reality. So, like it or not, that night is a part of me. Just like my fascination with Christmas lights.
Happy Thanksgiving