2.16.2005
- This seems to be a time of remembrance for me. Forget the holiday (I certainly did), it seems to be my choice of music lately that is provoking deeper memories. A few days ago I heard "the" song. You know, "the song" you and your first love have...everyone has their song. For me it is "I Alone" by Live. 99% of the time I can hear it and not even think twice, but late at night, late last week, it came on my random selections, long after He was asleep, as I sat here in the thick, dark silence. I got that sublimely painful twinge deep in my stomach, and remembered him.
I remember the excruciating love in my belly as I met him crossing the parking lot, sophomore year of high school. I was walking from Barry to Congress halls between classes. All of his classes were in Congress, but he came out between 3rd and 4th block to meet me halfway and walk me back to class. I remember so vividly that one day. He was wearing a white shirt with thick green and blue stripes, he had that popular 90's cut, shaved up the sides but long on the top. I saw him when he was about three rows of cars away. His eyes were already on me, I could feel them, so intense, making my whole body quiver. I remember what we talked about that day, too, walking over to our last class. We talked about whether or not it was possible, through some insanely impossible twist of fate, for a fetus to become impregnated while still in the womb. There had been a girl in the news recently that gave birth at the age of nine or so, and it had provoked my ramblings. That was the main reason I loved him, and still do. He was the first man to not only listen to my silly ramblings, but to go with me, and take them even further, until we were both lost in the far far realm of "what if".
I remember the moment of impossible hope, and happiness, and disbelief as he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. We had already been best friends for a few years, and had dropped the L-word long ago, but things had always been in the way of us being together. Finally, on the 4th of July, at about 2am, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our conversation didn't last much past my breathless "yes!"; I was far too shocked to be coherent. I remember waking my guardian up to tell her the whole tale, sitting on the floor outside her room, legs hugged to my body, rocking back and forth, lost in happiness.
I remember our first and only date. The 4th of July, that same day, we went to see the new Will Smith movie, and to watch fireworks with our friends. Wasn't very much a date, but it was enough for me. I remember my guardian's step-daughter riding with us and hitting on him, and us laughing about it behind her back (she still flirts with Him when she thinks I'm not looking, and we laugh about it too...times don't really change that much, do they?).
I remember my heart breaking when, a few days later, he broke up with me, claiming we were better friends that boyfriend/girlfriend. How could that be? How could it be that he didn't feel the same way I didn't?
I remember working our first summer job together, at the local theme park. I remember him looking so manly in his pink work shirt (don't let me get started on those GAWD-AWFUL shirts!!!). I was certainly not the cutest girl in the park, but I was definitely one of the most envied and copied. It was always quite amusing to both of us when the other girls would try to braid their hair like mine, or other such things to get his attention. I remember one horrendous afternoon, when we were going to be late, he speed past two cops on his way to pick me up. I heard them coming about 1/2 mile away, squealing tires and such (we were both in plenty of trouble for being late the previous week, and our jobs were now on the line if we were late again). The officers finally caught him in my driveway, and I ended up talking them out of giving him a ticket. Well, actually, I told them to make it fast, and chewed them all out before stomping in to call and frantically beg forgiveness from our boss. I guess after I left the cops looked at him, shook their heads, called me "spunky" and left, no ticked or warning to be found. The told him having me for a girlfriend was punishment enough. That caused no end of amusement to us, especially as we were nothing more than friends by then.
A few years later he went into the marines. I was at his going away party with his current g/f, smiling at his mom as she recognized me, and gave me a quick hug. We hadn't been in close contact, but still had that strong tie. He had tried to leave without telling me, but at the last minute (he called me the day of the party) couldn't. Over the years, that proved to be the main theme of our relationship. After two failed engagements, we got back together, dating long-distance for over three years, even becoming engaged. I finally had to face the fact that he was more into the idea of being married that being married to me, and broke it off. I dated other men, and as when he had been dating other women, we discussed the relationships intimately, even questioning occasionally our decision not to be with each other, but never having the guts to follow through with those thoughts.
The last time he was home, I had a boyfriend, something he loudly proclaimed in front of his family to keep them off of our backs when we spent the whole week together. The boy didn't mean anything more than easy sex to me, though, so I didn't hesitate to attempt to trip my friend into bed. (Don't worry, the feeling on the b/f thing was mutual, and it broke off soon due to lack of any deeper feelings...the sex went on for some time, though *winks*) I reached the same point I had a few times before. A 30 second blow job. How sexy and deeply romantic, eh? 2 nights later I did get him laid, by a mutual friend, whom he later became engaged too (another very short engagement), before falling off the face of the earth again.
I sent him an angry email about a year ago, because I had realized how far out of my life he was. He fired back that he was married now. I spent about 10 minutes reading and re-reading that email. I could never have believed the feelings that coursed through me. Hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness. We had always said that we knew we were soulmates, but soulmates don't have to be together romantically, something I still believe. But, I had never even considered that one of his hasty engagements would actually come to an actual legal marriage. I always assumed, in my heart of hearts, that we would someday be together. I knew these feelings were completely irrational, as I was blissfully happy with Him at the time, but I was very startled by their existence. I decided that the best course of action was to forget everything.
Until a few nights ago, when "I Alone" came on, and I sat here crying, missing him so much, wondering if he was even still alive. He is still in the Marines, posted overseas, and I know that his Mom has my number and such to inform me if anything happens to him, but still, you always wonder. So, I emailed him.
He is alive, still married, and being sent to Iraq later this month. As usual, we always come into contact just as something big happens. He's going to be in the States for a few weeks before he goes on to the Middle East, so hopefully I'll get to hear his voice. I still am amazed at the feelings writing this has brought to the surface. I hardly know what to do. I should probably stop typing before I start rambling even more, though, eh?